“Are you going on a diet?”
”Sure…until the wind blows the wrong way in front of Burger King”
Annmarie’s response to my question
“I’ve been known to cry as a result of monotony.”
Me
“I’m quite certain people have killed themselves or, as I refer to it, wound up in row AA having gone, at least emotionally if not literally, through the other options of A-Z.”
Me
“Lord Jesus, I ain’t never seen so many alcoholics, sexaholics, drugaholics in one place.”
A manager at a previous job. She was right
“It really is like some kind of gigantic, bizarre Dysfunction Junction bus stop where the capable but uninspired get off and never pick up their transfer to the next stop on this journey called life.”
Me
“P.S, I hate puberty, my job and Asian prostitutes.”
-The last line of a stressed out friend’s otherwise mundane email regarding her son, her employer and her current apartment building situation.
“Yes but is he breedable?”
–Discussing the long term potential of a date with a friend.
“That’s right. I have three modes of transportation and don’t mow my lawn.”
-Kevin, randomly talking to no one.
“Wow! That’s so sad. There must have been an accident this weekend”
Andrea, convinced the “people” sketches to indicate a crosswalk were police chalk outlines of a small family that must have been mowed down while crossing said street. Evidently, in addition to the misfortune of being run over, they were midgets.
“I won the kiddie pool at work!”
“How are you going to carry a kiddie pool home on the T?”
–Me visualizing Annmarie carrying an inflated children’s swimming pool home on public transportation oblivious that people bet on the day someone gives birth much like sports fans bet on “football pools.”
“Your Honor, I didn’t know I was under arrest!!”
“What tipped you off? The handcuffs or the cell?”
-Judy trying to explain to the court why she showed up for arraignment 6 hours late.
“I think he’s hot, in that serial killer sort of way.”
–Me, speaking of John Mayer.
“Hey you! We’re all Dean’d out over here! We demand a Dean Treaty!”
-Hazel telling me what she is going to say to Karen regarding her incessant talk of her “boyfriend.”
“Almost eleven and nothing from Lisa yet???????????????????? Should I be
calling local detox centers??”
-Annmarie joking in regards to Dr Lockherup
“GO DIE a bloody F^$^ DEATH EVERYONE. I am no longer Kevin.”
-Kevin, I think.
“I am positive that I positively do not care for this line of work.”
Me responding to an email.
“Do I need to make a house call?”
-Kevin in regards to my going on a communication blackout/Xanax binge.
“526???? How am I still alive?”
My aunt after seeing her cholesterol results.
Me–”You really probably shouldn’t be eating fried turkey seeing as you’ve had a stroke and are diabetic you know.”
Toni–”I only eat it a few times a year..”
Hazel–”If you die, I am not coming to your wake. I have no time for an unecessary turkey death.”
