Free Fallin’ ala John Mayer

“…Wanna free fall out into nothing, Oh I’m gonna leave this world for a while. Now I’m freeeeeeee, free falling.”

I am aware this is a Tom Petty song but my oh my, John does it so much better. If you’re not a fan, you really should be. Not only are his covers great (hello future straight version of George Michael), but his original songs (hello future straight George Michael) are positively mindblowingly beautiful. “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” and “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” make me cry.

But anyhoo–on the topic of free fallin, I have quite a bit to say this month.

Let’s begin, as usual, at psych central. I had another appointment with the doctor and as usual, we bickered a bit. My position is, “It’s Xanax. WHO CARES and WHY? I could just as easily go drink alcohol legally to achieve the same basic calming effect.”  He stood his ground which is actually deeper than I originally thought. He started by saying “Are those the only two choices for you? Alcohol or Xanax?” After clarifying that I need something to calm me down and that my point was, essentially, that Xanax should not require a prescription, he asked me how sleep was going. I said it wasn’t but that it’s fine. I’ve never slept well and he’s not going to increase the Xanax so, no matter. Next topic. He was surprised I wasn’t sleeping with any of the things we tried, especially the last tricyclic which absolutely should have induced sleep. He wouldn’t be so surprised had he known I have never even filled those scripts let alone tried them.

I went back on my legalize Xanax rant and asked him to please tell me why he can’t just increase it so I can sleep. He asked what happens when I take the Xanax and I told him. It puts me out but I wake up in the middle of the night, a clear indication to me that he needs to give me more. Not so fast grasshopper. My doctor asked me to listen to him for one minute and I agreed. He explained that what I just described to him is exactly why doctors do not like prescribing Xanax for sleep issues. According to him, it is a light switch. It shuts you down at bedtime but because it has such a short half life, a few hours into sleeping, the levels of Xanax drop causing your body to awake. He went on to say I need to sleep for many reasons and that I had broken him. He prescribed me 30mg of Restoril.

Now, both he and my primary had, on numerous times, refused to give me a true sleeping pill such as Restoril and it is a benzo. Basically, one Restoril is equivalent to my taking 60 of my Xanax at once. Knowing myself, I asked him the followng question. “SO, you and I both know I don’t take the Xanax as you prescribe it so can you tell me how far over I can go while also taking Restoril before I pull a Heath Ledger here?” (Heath has Restorial and Xanax in his system) He started to answer me and then asked himself what he was doing and claimed ignorance asking me what kind of question was that and that he wasn’t answering. He “didn’t know.” I claimed shenanigans on that one and said I knew he knew because he’s been doing this forever. He agreed but said he only continues to put up with this type of stuff because of all of the itneresting people he gets to meet like myself. Cute.

I had a few more things to say about Xanax access and his response was “With you, this drug has become your life. It is the central focus of everything. It’s what you aspire to–to get more and more. You should aspire to  climb mountains and have achievements and all of what should be has taken a back seat to your trying to acquire more and more.” I asked why he even cares and he said “Well, we’re talking about your life here.”

Between the climbing mountains comment and talking about my life, he hit a nerve. It has been with me since he said it and has made me reflect. I also think it has put me in a terribly foul state.

I woke up completely dark today to a degree that is very, very rare. The darkness sort of permeates my soul and shows itself in my green eyes which, for some reason, become greener as I get emotionally darker. I am used to being in a bad mood here and there, but this degree of darkness actually frightens me.

The other even that happened is my dentist died after a long battle with cancer. He was THE nicest guy I ever met and that is the truth. I’m a little depressed about that but when I watch his video tribute, I see what a full and happy life he had and that makes me happy.

Of course it also reminds me how I have not climbed one fucking mountain in my life yet…….

 

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