Therapy Was a Bust

It was a no go cause my therapist was the only one to show up for work on time and he couldn’t leave the office unattended.

Fine by me.

I find it all pointless anyway.

The Problem Here Is..

Xanax is an unbelievable double edged sword. It is extremely, insanely effective but at the same time, it is extremely, insanely addictive for all the same reasons that make it effective. It works exceptionally fast (maybe 15 minutes)–nothing compares— and it puts you at incredible ease. I actually feel like I am floating on a cloud or being absorbed by a plush pillow when I’m on it. Here comes the BUT again….BUT when I run out or don’t have enough, I develop super spidey senses where everything is amplified. A door shutting sounds like a bomb going off. A lamp may as well be every light in Broadway shining directly on my corneas. ETc etc etc….then you have the head in a fishbowl, ringing ears, cold sweats…and are you very fond of sleep? You can forget about sleep. You just won’t sleep, period, if you come off of them.

 

Xanax

This drug is what I imagine heroin light to be. I’ve never used heroin, nor would I ever abuse my body in that manner. Xanax on the other hand, is a prescription drug. Doctors went to school and trained for a very long time to be able to legally hand these over and somehow, on a random Friday night, that makes me superior to the heroin whores even though my desire for the little blue bastards places few limits on what I would do, who I would manipulate or who I would bribe in order to have some in my possession at any given moment, particularly this one. Let’s just say I’m out, my arm is scratched up from a desperate attempt to release the anxiety and I just offered a good friend $500 to go to her doctor and get me some Xanax.

If you’ve never tasted the fresh air induction provided by a Xanax pill, consider yourself blessed and take a hike. This is not for you. Put the article down, slowly step away from the table and no one will get hurt. Well, at least you won’t get hurt. For the rest of you winners along for the ride in my clown car, I want to take this opportunity to speak to all of the doctors who may have stumbled upon this. If not them, perhaps someone who gives a damn about what this drug does to a person who is given permission to taste its magical powers.

How I came to be prescribed this wonderful benzo, and I say that with not a lick of sarcasm, is of little importance. It was legal and began inside the four walls of a doctor’s pristine white office. I am sure the majority found themselves striking what quickly becomes viewed as the goldmine under similar situations.

 

Therapy Tomorrow, Oh The Joy!!!

I truly have nothing I care to discuss with John so I don’t know why I continue to go. I am trying desperately to think of something to talk about and I have a few ideas.

1) My insomnia therapy–this is my personal beief that if I stay awake, tomorrow can not come as sleep is what seperates the days, therefor, if I don’t go to bed, the monotonous hell that is each work day will not occur.

2)The absurd importance of feelings that are placed on individuals by the psychiatric community.  I again quote “Free Fallin” ala Tom Petty: “I wanna free fall out into nothing. Oh I’m gonna leae this, this world for a while…now I’m free, free fallin.”  I seriously find feelings highly overrated.

3) My role as a spectator in life due to trust issues. I semi-mentioned the lack of trust deal previously and his sage (sarcasm) advice was that it will return in time and through hard work where I rebuild relationships etc. I think he missed the point here. I don’t build anything and I never “rebuild.” If I trusted you and you cross me, fuck off forever. So how does one build or rebuild without the foundation? But anyhoo–I sometimes think it would be nice to get in the game so to speak and live a semi-normal existence. To open myself up to normalcy however, means opening myself up to pain which I am unwilling to do. So, I guess we can talk about those three things but I am going to have to tell my doctor that this isn’t working out. I’m controlling the conversations and that means we are never going to get to the root of anything cause I am unwilling to discuss those things.

I was a Bit Off Today

Lisa R. … Do you like this song “Free Fallin?” It’s old TOm Petty, John Mayer redid it……”I wanna free fall, out into nothing.. oh I’m gonna leave this, this world for a while” I love that verse!!!
Marion … yeah i like it by petty —have not yet heard it by mayer and i’m sure i’d like it cause i like mayer!!! you would lke free fallin-that’s the state you’re in more  than not
Lisa R. … indeed…..i totally checked out today–free fell into nothing. I jsut now thought I was in a salon and having a conversation about my stylists dog. It took me a moment to come back!
Marion … hmmmm, you mean you’re over there talkin to someone who doesn’t exist about a dog? oh brother! you’re a candidate for that intervention show”

Lisa R…. want to take guitar lessons?
Marion … FROM ONE END OF THE SPECTRUM TO THE OTHER!!!-LASTLY YOU WERE IN AFRICA NOW YOU WANT MUSIC WHAT’S NEXT????
Lisa …. Well, since you asked, I’m looking at my snow globe over and here and am wondering how do they get those sailboats into the glass bottles for models>?
Marion .. sounds like youre in and out of nightmares
Lisa…. wouldnt you like to meet the person whose job it is to put the Charlie Brown sticker on all SNoopy Snow Cone Machines?
Marion…… go back to sleep
Lisa…… Or how about those underwear inspectors? That must be something. What exactly are they inspecting?? “

Free Fallin’ ala John Mayer

“…Wanna free fall out into nothing, Oh I’m gonna leave this world for a while. Now I’m freeeeeeee, free falling.”

I am aware this is a Tom Petty song but my oh my, John does it so much better. If you’re not a fan, you really should be. Not only are his covers great (hello future straight version of George Michael), but his original songs (hello future straight George Michael) are positively mindblowingly beautiful. “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” and “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” make me cry.

But anyhoo–on the topic of free fallin, I have quite a bit to say this month.

Let’s begin, as usual, at psych central. I had another appointment with the doctor and as usual, we bickered a bit. My position is, “It’s Xanax. WHO CARES and WHY? I could just as easily go drink alcohol legally to achieve the same basic calming effect.”  He stood his ground which is actually deeper than I originally thought. He started by saying “Are those the only two choices for you? Alcohol or Xanax?” After clarifying that I need something to calm me down and that my point was, essentially, that Xanax should not require a prescription, he asked me how sleep was going. I said it wasn’t but that it’s fine. I’ve never slept well and he’s not going to increase the Xanax so, no matter. Next topic. He was surprised I wasn’t sleeping with any of the things we tried, especially the last tricyclic which absolutely should have induced sleep. He wouldn’t be so surprised had he known I have never even filled those scripts let alone tried them.

I went back on my legalize Xanax rant and asked him to please tell me why he can’t just increase it so I can sleep. He asked what happens when I take the Xanax and I told him. It puts me out but I wake up in the middle of the night, a clear indication to me that he needs to give me more. Not so fast grasshopper. My doctor asked me to listen to him for one minute and I agreed. He explained that what I just described to him is exactly why doctors do not like prescribing Xanax for sleep issues. According to him, it is a light switch. It shuts you down at bedtime but because it has such a short half life, a few hours into sleeping, the levels of Xanax drop causing your body to awake. He went on to say I need to sleep for many reasons and that I had broken him. He prescribed me 30mg of Restoril.

Now, both he and my primary had, on numerous times, refused to give me a true sleeping pill such as Restoril and it is a benzo. Basically, one Restoril is equivalent to my taking 60 of my Xanax at once. Knowing myself, I asked him the followng question. “SO, you and I both know I don’t take the Xanax as you prescribe it so can you tell me how far over I can go while also taking Restoril before I pull a Heath Ledger here?” (Heath has Restorial and Xanax in his system) He started to answer me and then asked himself what he was doing and claimed ignorance asking me what kind of question was that and that he wasn’t answering. He “didn’t know.” I claimed shenanigans on that one and said I knew he knew because he’s been doing this forever. He agreed but said he only continues to put up with this type of stuff because of all of the itneresting people he gets to meet like myself. Cute.

I had a few more things to say about Xanax access and his response was “With you, this drug has become your life. It is the central focus of everything. It’s what you aspire to–to get more and more. You should aspire to  climb mountains and have achievements and all of what should be has taken a back seat to your trying to acquire more and more.” I asked why he even cares and he said “Well, we’re talking about your life here.”

Between the climbing mountains comment and talking about my life, he hit a nerve. It has been with me since he said it and has made me reflect. I also think it has put me in a terribly foul state.

I woke up completely dark today to a degree that is very, very rare. The darkness sort of permeates my soul and shows itself in my green eyes which, for some reason, become greener as I get emotionally darker. I am used to being in a bad mood here and there, but this degree of darkness actually frightens me.

The other even that happened is my dentist died after a long battle with cancer. He was THE nicest guy I ever met and that is the truth. I’m a little depressed about that but when I watch his video tribute, I see what a full and happy life he had and that makes me happy.

Of course it also reminds me how I have not climbed one fucking mountain in my life yet…….